Forgive me if this entry seems a bit frazzled, I never sleep, as I believe I have mentioned.

And so we were sitting there watching 'Say Anything', which is a pretty good film.. Proving that John Cusack can do no wrong, not even in teen romance films. And I started thinking, which is almost always a bad decision, about what I wanted to do with my life.

First, a little background.

I currently live in the house I (for all practical purposes) grew up in, sans parents. My sister and I get along well enough, but have more than our fair share of sibling love/HATE for each other, making it difficult at times to be in the same STATE as each other, let alone the same house. I am currently unemployed, which is to say that I found a job, but I don't start for another few days, and have had to get food donated from a church for the last 2 months in order to survive. I have kept the lights and the phone on through generous donations from friends, family, and lots and lots of hopeful promises to said companies.

The house itself is still being paid for by my grandmother, who owns it, and she hasn't had any rent paid to her in close to 2 years. She has informed me that if I can't make the rent payment for September, she will have to put the house up for sale. This has been said before, but somehow I think that it's a little more serious this time. In any case, I don't like having that sort of threat over my head at all times, which it is when I am living here.

And then there is the job thing. The more I think about what I am going to have to put up with in order to survive, the more it bums me out. I really don't WANT to work at a restaurant or a warehouse or a clothing store or any of the other places that seem to be my only options at this point. I want to start doing something that I enjoy, and that I can do for the rest of my working life. Something that pays well, so that I don't have to worry about money all the time.

This is where you say something like "Well no shit, John, that's what we all want"

I have always had this fear, deep seated in my mind, that I will never break the financial hex that seems to have been placed over my family, and that debt and starvation will haunt me for the rest of my life like dogs nipping at my heels. I mean, I know that I have a nice air conditioned house and a bed to sleep in and all those things, but it all is hanging my a very thin thread, and it has been for years and years, and I don't think that anyone I know fully understands that.

ANYWAY, the point of all this is...

My uncle is a DJ/ Producer for a radio station in Atlanta. He has been doing radio for about 20 years or so, and offered to get me into the business a long time ago. I asked him about it this year when I went to visit him, and he said that not only could he probably find me a job without too much trouble, but could set me up in an apartment with his son. This seemed like a passing comment at the time, but it has now begun to occupy my thoughts on a daily basis.

I have begun to think thoughts containing words like "Career" and "future" and awful things like that. I really hate thinking about it, but if there is one thing that I have learned about money it's that you almost never have it when you need it the most, and you always need it. Or something like that.

AND, I really like radio. I think that I would be great at it, and it looks like a lot of fun. SO, I have an insider willing to help me out with a job that I have wanted to do for a long time, in a place that I loved when I was there. So why not just go?

In a nutshell: My friends.

My friends are the best people ever, and I can't picture leaving them. Hell, just tonight Cyndi counted 26 entries since 8/14/01 that have said how great I am. Crystal has come into my life now, and already I cant picture leaving her behind. I don't know what my sister would do without me... probably run herself into the fucking ground, as seems to be her goal sometimes... I just don't know what to do. I want to leave, but I want to stay. Fuck this house, and my stuff, and Dallas itself... I want to pack my friends up and take them with me.

So come on people..think with a big mind and give me some advice.